Act natural

( Friday, May. 07, 2004 6:49 pm )

>When you see him again

Sigh. Oh man. So, Call and I broke up after all. Actually I sort of had to do it, but it was a mutual decision really, borne of exhaustion with where-is-this-relationship-going discussions and his failure to love me as madly as I love him. Oddly enough, we talked briefly and exhaustingly about the breakup on The Night, but having little new to say we proceeded to get drunk and watch TV, and really have a pretty fantastic evening. What can I say, the guy's my best friend. Juney was very surprised to hear that I went through with it since I didn't come home that night: "You broke up and then you slept over??" Well, that's how it went. But I haven't seen or talked to him since the next morning. I'm now on day 3 of my beautiful-dork-less lifetsyle. I'm feeling resilient and yet depressed. Three days feels like an eternity of days.

Anyway, I figure if I can just make it through to my birthday, in four or five weeks, I'll be better, and maybe we could even hang out then. Of course I'd like to hang out now, as we still would get along like ever, yet I know I would be looking at the side of his face and thinking about having his children, and while I don't know what to call that, it's not "friendship" as I know it. Oh lordy, I have been a delusional girl. Yet I can only tell myself that I loved wholeheartedly and without reservation, and that could not be a mistake. So, I blame all his shortcomings, basically. For once. Even if I am delusional.

I dropped off some of his stuff at his apartment after work today, in a sneaky fashion because I didn't want to see him. I got a little depressed to see how little of his stuff was actually in my apartment (three shirts and his house keys). Not even a toothbrush, after all this time. Then I got depressed again when I called to be sure he wasn't home, because he sounded cheerful on his answering machine. That's a little unreasonable.

As before I don't really want to go into all the details of our issues, since they are a)stupid and b) just blathering to those who aren't us. There was at first a lot of talk about fixing the relationship, leading to two weeks of me trying to talk more and him trying to make us go out every second since aparently his problems with us were my taciturnity (plus lack of clear ambitions and obvious preferences) and our increasing habit of staying in, drinking, and watching TV. Neither of these things bothered me, and the sudden self-consciousness and effort involved in being with him were not very pleasant. I think eventually I had to realize that the real problem was that he had doubts about me. While I love him unconditionally, love all his stupid habits and weirdnesses, he couldn't do the same for me. Hence, me frequently crying in a pathetic manner when we again were talking about him not loving me "enough," and him feeling very guilty. And hence, breaking up. He'll never come around and love me more, and so we can never get back together, and I'm having a real hard time wrapping my head around the concept of this being permanent.

It's sort of a relief to have the pressure off. I feel free of ties to Philly, but also pretty much unmoored from my normal life. It's going to be a weird summer and a weird fall.

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