Act natural

( Friday, May. 10, 2002 12:35 pm )

>Confessions of a bum

Today is self-hatred day. I'm thinking of including a post-it note on this term paper, whenever I actually turn it in, that declares my intense love for my Russian history professor and my willingness to commit Hara-kiri in repentence for being such a bum. My alarm didn't go off, so I woke up at 10 this morning instead of 7, and almost immediately was thinking "Aw, screw it." So, unless I can write about 2 pages an hour until 5, the paper's pretty much not getting done. I'm already feeling weary and I've only written 1.5 pages and eaten lunch. I do feel awful, especially since she gave the class FIVE DAYS extension and I've turned in every single paper late in this class and she's still given me excellent grades anyway. I still plan to finish today, sometime. Maybe tonight. Ruby's leaving for the weekend anyway (ie. no fun times tonight) to attend her niece's communion. That's gonna be fun for her anyway, since (I forgot to tell you this part before) she talked to her older sister on IM while she was tripping on Saturday, and her sister called her parents, and then her parents called here and bitched me out a little bit around 2 in the morning because Ruby was over at her crush's house (next door) watching Frank Zappa videos and eating Ramen instead of being safely in bed. So I trekked over to bring her back home and call them before they called the police (!), leaving Nathan sitting alone on our couch while Ruby's crush told me a long incoherent story with the (very funny) punchline of "You know me. And I smoke pot." Her parents and sister are pretty pissed off at her.

You know what I was just thinking? I really want to trick Nathan into making me a mix CD, a)because he has very good taste in music and b)it would be entirely like a confession of love. I read High Fidelity, I know. Mix CDs=love. It's probably wrong to want him to really like me, and want to trick him into giving that fact away, but really, throw me a friggin bone here. A couple of times he has formulated a mix CD for a car ride, and it did do my ego well to think of him sitting at home and including "I'll stop the world and melt with you" for my benefit, but I think it's time for the next step. I bought him fake lemons, so he'd better reciprocate.

I'm seeing him tomorrow for a date I thought up all on my own, which includes many components: pancakes, art, and the dollar store. I actually gave it a title, like I was trying to sell him a vacation package: it's the Bumming Around With Almostreally date. I think I might drive, too, which should be interesting, because I tend to blither when I'm driving with a passenger. It gets very free-association.

Oh, and right about now in Philadelphia there's an open house going on at an apartment that I really should be at, because it is in a fantastic location and is strangely cheap. I'm doing so badly at this "Oh, don't worry, June, let me take care of the apartment hunting, I've got a lot of free time, no problem" thing. Still hoping to get to Philly early next week though. My slackerdom knows no bounds. And in about two weeks all my relatives will be descending on PCU for graduation, to tell me how industrious and smart I am, but little do they know how little I care about any work or study anymore.

Guilt! Guilt! Self-hatred.

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