Act natural

( Friday, Jan. 24, 2003 11:16 pm )

>Show me the way to go home

So it's a two entry kind of day. I don't know why exactly, except that I'm home alone right now (on a Friday, sobby sob sob I'm 22 this isn't right) and I've already taken my shower and exhausted the humor possibilities of comedy central (there is never enough Triumph for me, I now know. Neva!) so now I'm thinking my big big, speculative, lonely girl, life-reflecting sorts of thoughts (I'm not drunk, just solitary). I'm sitting here trying to figure out what sort of person I should be. What should I do? What should I like? I'm seriously doing internet searches, trying to determine how to create myself for the first time. Like, what are my hobbies? I'm sitting here trying to think of interesting and weird hobbies for myself. Mail art? (laura-jane) Antiquarian bookselling? Some sort of project--I have vague visions of some kind of large-scale, obsessive, creative undertaking that I have yet to think of. I was also thinking about volunteering, but it would have to be a self-serving sort of volunteering. I'd want to read or doodle pro bono, and not, like, deal with people. Like, I have no skills that any charity or anything would want me for. It's somewhat frightening to think about. And what should I do for a living? The more I sit on my ass around here, thinking, the more I decide that I don't want a real, degree-relevant job, that maybe I'd be happier in some sort of business/retail venture. My ambition is ill-defined except that I just want to be an interesting person, and I'm not sure how.

I swear to God I am not drinking right now at all. I'm sober, I'm just stupid.

Anyway, I did go see The Way Home today. It seemed very long and very slow but made me want to cry throughout, I think out of some residual guilt about my own dear grandmother. The whole thing was a reminder of how difficult and humiliating it is to be a kid, and also how difficult and humiliating it is to be old. Happy happy joy joy. Anyway. My grandmother. I lurve her so. Can't wait to see her this summer. Guilty for not going to see her now (since I have no $$). I spent a summer with her in a rural and rainy location not unlike Korea in the movie, which is how we became very close. She's so sharp and funny and everybody she meets likes her. Such a good role model. So if I ever have a kid, her middle name will be Henrietta. Sucks to her if she don't like it. And double sucks to her if she's a boy. I don't care. Gotta recognize Grandma.

Apparently there was a fire down in the subway (or something) so the trains weren't running tonight. I learned this only after getting aboard at 5th street. So anyway, I went to go take the bus instead, though there was a detour notice at the nearest stop which directed me to go a few blocks away instead. This made me think to myself that maybe I should rethink the whole going to Europe alone idea, since if those detour notices were in another language, there's no way I would have been able to figure them out. But then the bus proceeded to stop regularly at all the normal stops anyway, so Europe is back on. The weird thing is that whenever I go into the city, there's always a tiny little fear in the back of my mind that I won't be able to get back home again. It's irrational, since even if I had no money or tokens I could always walk home, but the little anxiety is always there. And I wonder how much it would be magnified if I travelled really far away, like more than 40 blocks, like to Europe, or Russia, or somewhere. There's always that little fear that I'll forget how to find my way home.

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