Act natural

( Monday, Sept. 23, 2002 11:37 pm )

>Despair and Alastair

Another email today. Somebody else I know doing so well that it made me feel worse than terrible, so I walked 25 blocks to make my brain shut up, and then had to walk 25 home again. Even when you're chaotic-brained and derranged with jealousy, remember to bring a subway token, is my advice to you. I should start measuring the potential energy inherent in each email by how many blocks it takes before I can calm down and stop alternately grimacing and laughing to myself like a crazy person. It is somewhat ironic that I spend most of my time wishing for email, but then whenever I get any, it tears me up. No one seems to be able to strike that magical balance of Things I Want to Hear. Ugh. Don't think I don't know the problem is me.

Today had a real Fall feel to it. I swear that even though it was as hot and green as always, there was a certain autumn look to the light and the sky. It made me even miss school a little bit, and not even college--high school. I was out walking around 4:30, and there was a real after-school feeling to it. I was thinking to myself, why can't I just be happy to be out on a beautiful day, why do I have to worry about what I'm doing here, and what I have to do, and what I'm going to do for years to come? I used to be so content to be living here, just walking around all day. But now I guess I know that it's time to really DO SOMETHING. But I'm still so scared, and so clueless. How do I do it? How does anybody?

OK, so I'm a little depressed these days. I can either wear out my shoes, or start taking care of business. Guess which way I will choose?

The fact that I have my entire life ahead of me is somewhat alarming at this point, because it's my responsibility to take care of myself, and make it a real life, filled with important things, resembling the kind of lives that real adults (my parents for example, and everybody's parents) have. HOW will I do that? I really don't know the first thing about anything. If you were to meet me in person and have a conversation with me, nine questions out of ten I would have to answer with "I don't know." And I really don't. If this were You Can't Do That on Television, I'd be getting slimed constantly.

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