Act natural

( Saturday, Nov. 23, 2002 12:41 am )

>I'm just a girl who can't say no

Oh dear, nobody loves me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go etc.

See, I have no friends, and the Junebug is getting on my last nerve. I mean, we were watching Chasing Amy tonight, and she said she was Ben Affleck and I was Jason Lee[remember, how they're a comic book-writing duo in the movie? And Ben dates the lesbian? And Jason's jealous?] and I was all like "why?" and she said, "Come on, who has the boyfriend here?" [answer: her] and I was all like "aw, so it's like that!" because really, I am Ben Affleck because I am taller anyway. But OK, maybe deep in my heart I know I am the Jason Lee, only not conflicted about my sexuality. If anything, Juney is the one secretly in love with me. I have habored that suspicion since way back in the day when we were like 12, but I think it's just that she's a more touchy-feely personal space-invading person than I am. I'm not so keen on being touched. I'm kind of autistic in that way. Also in my occasional inability to speak or function normally in a group of my peers. ARGH. And I hate all the science geeks for not really being my friends.

ANYWAY. I broke 30,000 words on the snovel tonight, so now I'm only a week behind. One week to go, and Thanksgiving's gonna be a real fly in the ointment. I'm going home Tuesday night.

I'm really hungry and kind of depressed. All I have to eat is ramen, and that would probably depress me more. Cookies might be helpful. You know what though, the thing with me is that I almost enjoy feeling like this. I feel fucking virtuous when I'm lonely and yet still persevering in my rigorous daily schedule of ramen consumption and fake-crappy-novel-writing. So I'm a good girl who waits for good things in good humor. But I admit it, I'm lonely as shite. This is what I get for staying home instead of properly going out in the usual haze of smoke, lager, and geekiness. In blows, out rules.

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