Act natural

( Sunday, May. 30, 2004 10:11 pm )

>Contemplating the worst

Currently I am disobeying Juney's edict on drinking alone. What does she know anyway? So far I've learned that cheddar cheese is not a good chaser to vodka shots.

Today was the longest day ever. I began it by going to Fake Church (did I tell you I'm going again? And not just to meet boys, as Juney thinks, since there are no boys there, except for this one guy today who looked young, cute, and somewhat unkempt and seemed to be the a/v person, who duct taped wires to the floor but did not stay for the service). And I cried intermittently throughout the serivce, once because a guy got up with an accoustic guitar and sang a crappy song which happened to be about a father's love for his daughter and included the line "you'll never be alone," which made me think of my dad and therefore cry and consider moving back home to Connecticut. And then I continued crying because 1. services/hymns/etc. tend to play on the whole idea of being filled with love for all, which makes me think about how I was filled for love for a certain boy who did not really love me back in the end and 2. I was thinking about how the whole point of being religious is to recognize the spark of godliness in others, although unfortunately the more I am exposed to the general public at Big Chain Books, the more impossible it grows for me to love people. In fact I hated just about everyone who came through the door at the bookstore today, and had a very long and depressing shift and thought about how my life is crap and I don't know what to do next.

Hence, drinking.

I also considered calling Call, since I have so many issues that I'm worried about, and I haven't been able to talk about them to a single person, and he has historically been the one I can talk to about larger life issues such as spirituality, plus he has a logical mind and might be able to sort out the whole job situation/should I leave Philly issue. But I haven't seen him in weeks, and he's just not my main bestest friend anymore. And now what. I ask you.

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