Act natural

( Saturday, Jan. 05, 2008 4:55 pm )

>Dennis Kucinich's child bride

Starting the new year with desperation and angst as usual...as always a seemingly unsurmountable pile of things I need to get done confronting me, and as usual I just take a shower, clean the house, and then wonder why I'm not doing any of the things that need doing. I got out of pajamas today, what more does the world want?

I'm highly dreading work Monday. Friday my boss Conchita got stressed because nothing's done and started managing up a storm, reminding me of 7,000 unpleasant tasks I'm pointedly avoiding, and piling a few more new ones up just for kicks. One that is the most unspeakably awful is to take the new grantwriter.....to visit a classroom.....in North Philadelphia. Granted we'd be near a school, but it's always wise to be cautious when even the people who live in the neighborhood fear to walk outside. It's not even the danger, though, it's the social anxiety of being in charge of the outing and barging into a classroom full of kids......Conchita waits til I leave for the day and then sends me emails with assignments like this that make me want to kill myself when I arrive in the morning.

I've been there 8 months. I would look for something else except that I think my resume would look too insane if I keep changing jobs every 8 months. And I probably can't tell new employers that I hate work.

I also have a very sad story about being ostracized at the office Xmas party, that might rend your heart. It was at a murder-mystery dinner theater, which makes me want to cry even at the best of times.

I've been thinking that the answer is to work in an office where most of the employees are men, so that they'll all come by and talk to me and flirt during the day, and I won't be at such a loss to know how to make friends.

Hoo, man, I am bumming myself out.

My new year's resolutions are basically to have more fun, although that contrasts with the backlog of things I'm avoiding, including all description of doctor's appointments, financial planning, and returning about 12 Xmas presents. Oh, and starting up my worm composter.

I'm having the usual feelings of depression and failure, which inevitably leads me to start thinking "how can Davy change to make this better?" I get mad at his ridiculous man-child-ness for some reason, like I myself am not on hand when we break out the Legos and Harry Potter.

His very cheerful, can-do world outlook is a big help in many ways, but I suppose I might have to help my own self this time, somehow.

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