Act natural

( Friday, Jan. 17, 2003 7:44 pm )

>There's a hole in my heart getting bigger

So today I went to go see The Hours, or as I like to call it, Let's All Go Mad. I wanted to see it because I read the book by Michael Cunningham, and frankly I like everything he writes, but I pretty much guessed the movie was going to be a real downer, and that was OK with me. There's a suicide in the first scene, so that should tell you something, but luckily I was in the proper mood to see a movie about suicidal lesbians. And in honor of that, I bring you my Top Two of the day:

Best anti-suicide song: "Drunk is Better Than Dead" by the Pushstars

Best pro-suicide song: "Someone to Pull the Trigger" by Matthew Sweet

Unfortunately the movie called to mind every time in my life that I've ever been as depressed as any of the main characters. I was trying to remind myself that it wasn't pleasant to feel that way, but there gets to be a certain miserable delight in abandoning yourself to puddle-on-the-floor depression. If anything the movie made it look somewhat seducive to have a nervous breakdown/crying jag on the kitchen floor. It's only a pity that no one ever nominated me for an Oscar for some of my great pathetic moments. But as it is I haven't really cried in over a year, maybe more.

Currently I'm home alone because Juney is out with her man Pukey at a birthday party. I have to admit that I'm a little disappointed to think that she will (or, they will) be coming home here sometime tonight instead of just leaving me alone. I'm pretty sure this is the case because her bag (her shackin-up-with-Matt bag) is still here. I had a conversation with Landlady Ellie this evening about a boy in her classes (she's a grad student too) who likes her and that she wants to have a fling with Mrs. Robinson-style. "Sometimes you want to eat at a nice restaurant, and sometimes you just want fast food," she told me. I personally am torn between this way of thinking and the Lucy Snowe school of thought: "I do not want what I haven't got." Better to want or better to wait?

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