Act natural

( Monday, Jun. 28, 2004 9:54 am )

>All the fun you can stand

This past week I had been offering that guy David mild retroactive respect in my head for not contacting me after I suddenly blurted out in the middle of a "date" that I didn't think this was going to work out and that the idea of having a boyfriend made me freak out (and I did freak out. One minute, playing with a cat on his front porch, next minute pulling compulsively at my fingers and confessing how I never ever ever want to have a boyfriend again). So I offered him props for realizing that I was just some girl he had just met, clearly somewhat crazy, and not worth the effort. However, then on Friday he left another looooong note on my porch. And a mix CD. So we're not done yet.

Complicating things, I went out dancing Friday night at a hipster establishment and met a friend of a friend who gave me his phone number. It was a fantastic time dancing with him--it was like this sweaty hipster living room of a bar, with the DJ up in a tiled shower and the bartender in the kitchen, and "House of Jealous Lovers" playing and white kids flailing around oddly, and me lonely enough to want to be hugged of an evening. I keep thinking to myself, OK, that's it, clearly dating is a bad idea right now, if you're with some guy and all of a sudden depressed and thinking of Call. However, when I go out, all of a sudden the happy spinster plans go out the window and I'm all "how you doin?" I'm a hug whore, essentially. I just want a little action, a little going out, but I definitely don't want: 1) a boyfriend, 2) someone I have to hang out with 2 or more times a week, 3) to have to walk hand in hand across the Penn campus, 4) to keep inadvertently hurting the nice and sensitive boys I seem to attract. So anyway, I have to be more responsible, but I'm not sure how.

I really should be a spinster and focus just on reading and writing and creative projects and getting a new job and thinking about whether I should go back to school next year.

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