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( Friday, Oct. 25, 2002 12:04 am )

>Goodnight little pie

I was just im-ing with my dear girl and former roommate Ruby, who closed her end of the conversation with "goodnight, little pie." We both lived through a mini-era of feverish nicknaming and dimunitives and endearments in our old house that still carries over into our virtual conversations. Ah my muffinpie foolie girl. I really wish we were going to visit Kelly this weekend, but Kelly is uncontactable, so maybe next weekend. I'm all set to bolt and ride that train, and talk about poop with Ruby in person.

Mostly I've been feeling bad, but that feels familiar. I have often made the observation that my moods of despair and elation seem to come to me on currents of air in the room, just independent of all sense and experience, but then if I actually take the trouble to think back "why am I sad right now?" "why did I just get happy?", I can usually tie it to something, even if it is something stupid. Today I rode the bus and it was cold and cloudy, and I felt terrible. Today I got an email from my mom encouraging me to start living up to my potential, and I felt terrible. June's two sisters came to visit, and I felt terrible. Sarah Vowell thanked one of the TMBG guys and his wife on her acknowledgements page, and I felt terrible. I had some mashed potatoes, and I felt pretty good, actually. And Ruby im-ed and I felt happy.

I'm feeling some anger towards reviewers in general for misleading me. Punch Drunk Love was terrible, and Beck's new album is hard to sit through, yet I've been told by countless, numberless multitudes of reviewers that these two efforts are, like, the best ever, and will restore my faith in movies and music. As far as I'm concerned, there are big gaps in the world, to be filled with the kind of movies, music, and for goodness sakes, reviews, that all right-thinking, thoughtful malcontents will recognize as works of genius, but have never yet been made or conceived of, or at least not recently. I'm blithering. I just don't like dark comedies and low energy music, I guess.

I feel awful and useless and I want to go home, or somewhere.

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