Act natural

( Tuesday, Feb. 25, 2003 6:06 pm )

>Almost Really Special Feature

How to be Almostreally's Number One Lova-man:

1. Be alive, be non-fictional, give at least baseline readings on the Scale of General Normalcy. Also try to live in my zip code and be approximately equal to me in education, class, income, age, experience, etc.

2. Be goofy, but not so goofy that your weirdness/awkwardness triggers alarm bells in me, an affirmed goofy awkward weirdo. Be funny, but not so funny that you're always on or that you're mean/sarcastic in the manner of Comic Book Guy on the Simpsons.

3. Be at least moderately good-looking: slightly unkempt, geeky, or fashion-impaired is A-OK and perhaps even preferred. Be tallish if possible; skinny and pale and lacking in general muscle tone is super, for real. Preferrence for hair that is long enough that it can be messed up by me or by the daily events of life/wind/pillows, but this is negotiable.

4. Be kind, polite, and respectful in all things. Perhaps even nicer and more charitable than me. General good-heartedness important.

5. Be at least a little strange or interesting in some way. This means, don't just be a dull former frat boy who only watches TV; be a dull former frat boy who only watches TV who has a hidden love for eagles, or something.

6. Like and appreciate me at least as much as I like and appreciate myself. This may require you to be a giant of ingenuity, someone able to discover cuteness in my usual repertoire of neuroses and awkwardness, much like a miniature farmer raising crops in the arid soil of a sandbox (this thought brought to you by the Metaphor Council: metaphors, why not try one today?) Be a little in awe of me and I'll return the favor.

7. Sweet, thoughtful, and affectionate.

8. Understand me when I occasionally bust out the mild to moderate English Major Vocabulary. If you write me email, do not let your spelling, punctuation, and sentence structure convince me that you are semi-illiterate.

9. Dealbreakers--any of the following: hunting, poor hygiene, live action role playing, obsessive interest in medieval times or sci fi, Republicanism, general close-mindedness, [hard] drug use, or rudeness to women in general and my friends in particular.

10. Pros--positive points awarded for any of the following: laughing at my jokes, suspenders, an interest in any of the arts/literature, being a better conversationalist than me, attractive outer wear (ie overcoat) or formal wear (ie tie), or a nice voice.

I'm kind of reminded of that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry meets the woman, played by Janeane Garafalo, who is just like him (orders cereal at the diner, etc.) and he proposes to her finally, after having dated 80,000 women. He yells, "all this time I was just waiting for me to come along!!" I think I may be waiting for me to come along. Or Janeane. (I love you, Janeane!)

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