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( Tuesday, Oct. 11, 2005 2:50 pm )

>If the bough breaks, just take me home

Howdy! I'm currently in the dregs of unemployment, feeling as usual stupid and powerless. Really really must get on top of this, for once. I did manage to clean up my apartment, which is majorly relieving, although now I'm short one outlet, due to having a new portable phone, due to dropping the old, circa-1992 phone one too many times. Anyway, in the midst of thorough cleaning I finally, finally, amazingly found the mix CD very-old-boyfriend Nathan made me. Say what you will about that boy, he did have excellent taste in music, and put together a really fantastic moody compliation that STILL convinces me that he must have loved me like a house afire. I hid this CD from myself over 2 years ago in the midst of Call-time, and in the intervening time I had convinced myself that I had thrown it away, it was gone forever, and sadly started downloading or buying CDs of the songs I recalled being on it...and now it is mine again, reclaimed from the land of the dead! And there are great songs on it I had entirely forgotten. Awesome. Oh Nathan, who repotted my plants and sang to me in the kitchen, and today my plants are robust adults where they once were such tiny college babies, though now weakened by neglect while I was in Europe, and I'm the same kid I always was except more brazen a hussy.

I should take an art class.

I'm fortified today with diner breakfast and a trip to the grocery store with Davy. Yesterday was far less successful, as I was reluctant to leave Davy and Jim's place in the morning and so stayed until late afternoon, spending most of the time watching the West Wing marathon until my brain was melted. After that it was beautiful to get back to my own zen garden of an apartment, but I just wound up going back over to the boys' house at night to smoke up and play Nintendo and eat ice cream in the familiar manner. I was really starting to think it was a good thing to be in Europe and not have a chance to smoke at all (except in Amsterdam, of course, where the weed was heartbreakingly good and cheap and plentiful, and Davy and I engaged in wanton acts of wastefulness since we knew we could never use the full 12 oz in three days). But then again, I did triple my capacity for wine.

Hoo boy. I need a job so bad. And yet I am letting fear hold me back from even looking for one. I can indulge in this fear pretty much forever, so it's time to take action now! Meanwhile, I have the pleasure of clean laundry and making an outfit out of basically unlimited choices, as contrasted with deciding which of 3 dirty t-shirts to pull out of my backpack. Ah, the romantic wandering, and dirtiness. If the first of the pictures don't come back soon, I don't know what.

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