Act natural

( Friday, Mar. 14, 2008 9:50 pm )

>I saw the figure five in gold

I'm having some trouble. Things aren't good and I don't know why. I quit smoking weed and felt depressed and then good again, and then thought "hooray, I'm cured of depression, it was the weed all along!" But it's not. I feel awful again, like something in my life is terribly terribly wrong but I'm not sure what. Granted, I hate my job and my boss is...I love socially deficient people. I am a socially deficient person. But she is unbefriendable. Akin to my old roommate Stinky Pete, but even she was semi-befriendable after two terms of semi-effort on my part.

And I'm starting to feel awful about my relationship...in my dark thoughts today I've been describing it as "roommates who fuck occasionally"....what happened to the passion? I've spent the whole week talking to the back of his head and going to bed alone while he plays a computer game. And I bought him the stupid game! Only myself to blame.

My friend just got engaged....and I'll never get married. And why would I even want to--we should have done so years ago so I'd be trapped now. But I'm not trapped, just stuck in a rut. I used to think about proposing myself, but I couldn't because it kept making me so angry to even think about having to do it myself in the first place.

I've also been busy as usual castigating myself for being so socially backward. I have one new friend at work, but walking back from the kitchen with my tea or water bottle I'm often tempted to pummel myself in the head with it, mostly cause it's just so awful to pass a whole row full of cubes full of twenty-somethings who I think must despise me.

Ummm, well, I'm gonna go toke up now. It is the weekend after all, and at this level of unhappiness it just seems foolish not to give in. I'll figure it out tomorrow. Maybe have my dad tell me what to do. Still never too late to be a lighthousekeeper.

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