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( Thursday, Aug. 08, 2002 10:47 pm )

>Advance to the muzzles of guns with perfect nonchalance

Today I'm prepared to contradict the entire contents of yesterday's update, because today I'm really depressed and thinking what a brilliant idea it would be to stay at home and live with mommy and daddy forever and ever. Forever? Forever. Forever ever? Ever ever? I'm scared and miserable, but thinking there's no way I can show it. Just keeping up the poker face, and saying mean things to my family while they're embracing me and telling me they'll miss me. My brother hugged me tonight and I drove back from his place in my father's car listening to Van Morrison and trying to sob. There was some song...I felt for a second like I was crying for leaving PCU and leaving Ruby and everything I hadn't cried at all for yet. I haven't sobbed, like truly dissolved into a puddle, for a long time, and I seem to have forgotten how. Hopefully the fact that I'll be living with June will keep me from getting to that point.

It's like the import of what I'm doing hs finally hit me--a strange city, trapped, don't know anybody, don't have a job, don't have a plan or a clue. But people do this all the time, right? Oh Jesus. And I was also thinking about how I learned in Psych once that depression might actually be a survival technique, you know, a way of getting you to slow down and conserve resources in a time of stress. It's just your body's way of making you sit in a darkened room listening to The Cure. It's a biological mechanism. Oh OK, maybe I'm not really depressed right now, I wouldn't joke about that. But it is safe to say I am sad, low, and scared under a poor facade of nonchalance.

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