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( Monday, Jun. 24, 2002 5:13 pm )

>The most boring girl in the entire world

Just had a call from Nathan, and I have to say I feel inutterably worse for it: like restless and hopeless. It was a perfectly nice, normal conversation, but I just feel so hopeless when it's my turn to talk and I have absolutely nothing to say because I sit around my parents' house watching TV all day long because I'm too petrified to even look for a job. He--Nathan--is the most interesting topic in my life right now and even he is not really happening in my present tense. Plus I can't exactly tell him about him as I can to my friends, can I? So now I feel stupid and miserable. This is such a horrible, unflattering period in my life that it's terrible to have an outside observer witnessing it. I'm the most boring person that ever lived--I realize my life is lived entirely in my head, hence I have nothing to say in conversation, because everything I'm really interested in hasn't actually happened. I really have to get it together soon.

Last night I went to a town bar with Justine. At first we had to stop by the Holiday Inn's bar to see if this guy who likes her/that she likes was working there. He was closing up, so we stayed only a few minutes, and I didn't get to interrogate him. She and I went on to the town bar, which turned out to be a good time, just a regular, boozy ol' conversation such as I used to have with Ruby and Suzy, though not as crude.

What do I do with myself? I feel awful and can't sit still.

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