Act natural

( Thursday, Jun. 20, 2002 11:56 pm )

>Just a little heartsick and headsick

I have to laugh a little bit when I see my old roommate Priscilla online. I laugh because I think how heartlessly I gave away all his stuff, like a stereo and 100ft of coaxial cable and such (mostly to Nathan). Other stuff I took, like his iron, Jesus candles, laundry basket, and Cuba teacups. It was like Christmas. Mostly his fault for leaving it all behind, and partly Ruby and Stinky's fault for not taking care of the stuff either. I feel no guilt, though it might be awkward if ol' P-Dawg IMs me. Heh, plus my brother Adam is using Prissy's old ID.

Today Adam got an invitation to a wedding reception, the wedding in question being that of a girl we both were friendly with and went to school with. She's 20. I'm having a difficult time getting my mind around the concept that she's getting married, especially since she's not at all the type you'd expect to get married right in the middle of college. She's like me. Or at least I thought she was. Despite my belief in true love, I have the expectation of most college-educated girls of getting married around age 30, if at all. Though most of my friends wouldn't mind being married, like, now. To sum up, it is weird.

I have to talk about Nathan--briefly I swear. I keep updating about him, though nothing has been updated between us. He's away for the weekend. And maybe I'll see him next weekend, possibly. I can't determine if I am heartsick for him, f'real, or whether it's just my familiar loneliness and obsessiveness over some guy/any guy. That's pretty sad. Hopefully I'll know if I see him. Or if I meet someone else. I'm pretty annoyed with myself, especially since I hate thinking that all of a sudden I like him more than he likes me. I've been working so hard on maintaining that balance. All I know is that I was wearing his T-Shirt this morning and then ripped it off, changing in disgust.

I think I'm gonna go to PA for a few days. Adam, June, and Nathan are all gone for the weekend, so I figure I might as well go too. I'm feeling a little sad in general, over Nathan, the fact that I am a directionless loser, and that Adam is moving out next week.

Goodnight.

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