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( Saturday, Jun. 15, 2002 11:03 pm )

>Baby wine and missing everybody

Am I very sad for staying at home alone and drinking baby wine instead of going to a frattie party with Adam? It's just that Natty Light and beer pong with strangers seemed like too much for me to take. I'm not a good partier, though I still hold out hope that I will be a cool kid someday before I am terribly old. Meanwhile I am stuck with single-serving wine, pondering my suckiness, and.....I can't figure out how to end that sentence. Maybe I've had more to drink than I thought.

I'm starting to feel ridiculous sending Nathan funny emails all the time. Well, at least I think I'm funny. I can't be serious in them, plus the longer I carry on like this, the more I think he would just make an excellent friend. Not seeing him at all makes me forget what I felt for him before very quickly. But I don't want him to feel that little for me. I want him to be heartbroken. But I don't want him to be unhappy. All my feelings for him have always been at two opposite extremes at once.

I had a pretty good birthday--dinner with Junebug, Annette, and Justine, and then Justine and I went out to a bar that I didn't like too well. I was driving so I couldn't drink much, is part of the problem. But an OK time. At least I was out. Nathan sent a card and called during the day. Ah man, I don't know. I think I don't like him, and then I wonder at length who he's with this weekend. Wish I had a proper boy with me here. This guy at the bar talked to me, but I didn't like him. And I think he was drunk. Justine and I talked about Cara, my old high school friend that I have a lot of unresolved issues with. I think I'm through with her, but I dream about her all the time. In the last one, she had died and I was at her funeral, wishing that we had made up before it was too late. And then I woke up and realized it wasn't too late, although I still really don't want to talk to her.

Why is this such an angsty entry?

Ruby called me tonight. I still miss her tremendously. I hope we do live together again sometime, cause I miss our crap conversations like crazy. We were a lot alike. Oh the good times. I hate starting over. It seems so lonely, even though June will be there. I know everybody hates to move and likes being settled and having friends and boyfriends, but it's all new to me. I'm trying to feel excited by my youth and possibilities, but at the same time I long for the old PCU days and the townie boy who I was sure of and the friend who was always two steps away--but I guess work and going out and meeting new people and being on my own are good in their own way, because you just never know what could happen. It's better than being stuck and never changing. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

So why can't it be my birthday everyday?

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