Act natural

( Saturday, May. 25, 2002 1:12 am )

>It's the end of the world

How do I even begin? Tonight I'm feeling so low-down and sad. I graduate on Sunday, and everything around me is pretty much drawing to a close. I'm home alone right now, having just gotten back from my goodbye day with Nathan, who said countless sweet noncommital things to me and gave me a copy of "Dharma Bums" (and two orgasms, hello!).

First Nathan, then angst. So I just hung out at his house today. The original plan was napping, honestly, and that of course degenerated into making out, during which I attained the long-awaited third base (however, no fingers up, y'know. Glad he knew that without my saying). Oh my god. And I was sitting on his bed in just my underwear, and him naked entirely, and I can't quite believe it's me doing it. What the hell? He did very well by me, as far as I'm concerned. I totally had no clue what I was doing. It was all very Blue Lagoon. He didn't come! My god. But then somehow it was my turn anyway, and I sort of...like masturbated with his fingers. Wonder if he felt used. Heh. He said to me, "So hard?" and I said, "Yeah, you know how you get used to just yourself." Do you know what I mean? He did.

Anyway, all this stuff. I should skip ahead. He brought me off a second time without intervention some time later. Hmm hmm hmm. Funnily, I was thinking of how he told me that he could hear his downstairs neighbor going at it all the time, so I was thinking I should really go to town screaming for him. But forget that. At least it was the first time in my life that it was appropriate for me to be a little vocal, a nice change from holding my breath. He said nice things to the effect of being astonished that I had never really done, uh, anything with anyone before. Cause you know, I'm so beautiful and everything. And that he was sure we'd know each other a long time. And I agree with that, though funnily I think he suspected I was reading too much into it. Eh, eh. I'm sad now, and drinking, because he was the sweetest of all sweet boys in this world.

Last night I sprained my ankle walking to a large outdoor party with Ruby. I wasn't drunk or high, but I had been drinking and smoking. The funny thing was that she and I had hiked at least ten miles that day on a mountain (partially thinking we were going to die of exposure as the trail continued to wind on endlessly along the upper ridge of the mountain range) and never got hurt. So anyway, this morning, my foot hurt like a bitch and woke me up early. I had Ruby drive me to the health center, and they grudgingly hooked me up with Advil, crutches, ice pack, and ace bandage. I am so cool. They say I should be able to walk by Sunday, and I already feel better.

Tomorrow morning my mother and grandparents are coming up here to see me inducted to Phi Beta Kappa. I'll be glad to see them, but I just wish they were visiting only, and then would just go away and leave me to live my life here just as it has been. I am so sad to leave here, so, so sad. Everything has already started to wind down, people are packing up. I'll be clinging to Ruby's feet on the last day. I feel terrible for spending time with Nathan instead of her this week, my girl.

I think maybe I'll get drunk tonight.

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