Act natural

( Sunday, May. 05, 2002 4:26 pm )

>You're so fucking special

I had to add something...this afternoon Nathan called randomly and asked if I wanted to go for a walk...I had such a good time with him last night (mostly) that I went, but I don't know, I don't know. I think I feel bad mostly because he mentioned his ex-girlfriend in passing, and I couldn't stop thinking about her after that. He said something about going for a lot of walks over the winter to get over "one of those stupid girls." What the hell, why would he tell me that? I think it bodes something unwell that he could not stop himself from bringing her up when it wasn't necessary. It confuses me.

And I feel very conflicted about sex. I'm not even used to being touched, at all, you know: even hand holding makes me spring away a little bit, involuntarily. Much as I have a dirty imagination and would like to sleep with him, I don't even think physically I would be able to...but everybody has to some time...I don't want to over-think it either....I don't know what to do...I want to, but I'm scared, to tell you the god's honest truth.

So I'm getting ambivalent about both the boy and the whole sex issue, and even about myself, because Nathan's fairly perfect but even so, not totally perfect. And I wonder who there could be out there who would put up with me--sometimes I'm so quiet that I can't, just can't speak, and...I don't know. I'm a weirdo. This whole fake-relationship I have going has an expiration date built right in, which makes it even weirder as things progress from casual dating to something that closely mimics boyfriendship, except that I don't sleep with him, of course.

He has such a good smell to him.

I'm literally on the every other day plan for depression/elation.

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